dreadful

all her life she's been waiting
waiting for a miracle to bless her troubled life
but the longer she waited,
only rain washed over her
yet she continued to wait
she couldn't stop herself for being so stupid
to her, waiting has never been painful

she thought maybe the sun would come after the rainstorm
and the grey clouds would part, giving way for the warm sunshine
giving hope to children who smiles upon the sight of rainbows
giving warmth to people who'd been hurt by that downpour
she guessed that if she wait long enough,
God would see how much she want warmth to shelter her cold heart once again
if she waited long enough, prayed hard enough,
God would not blind her from illusions and make her believe in reality once more

but she doesn't want to see,
refused to see what reality has brought her
for reality is no longer kind or gentle,
nor understanding or caring.
reality has now become her greatest enemy,
her most dreadful nightmare
and yet, sunshine was still her top prayer
sunshine can only make her feel whole again

sunshine was like a man's arms,
wrapping itself around her body,
keeping her safe from harm and harsh truths
preventing her from getting hurt
sunshine was like a tender kiss to her lips,
passionate yet calm,
slow and steady,
beckoning her to kiss back and feel the love.

but rain continued, pouring harder and harder
how can she pray for sunshine when there's no chance of it happening?
how can she hope for something so far out of reach?
is it that impossible?
is it that unreachable?
is it too much to ask from you, God?
why can't she pray for a warm day once in awhile?
why can't she pray that the rain should rest, to give way for the sun?
why can't she pray for him to return to her arms and make her whole again?
why must she suffer through the loneliness this heavy rain has cursed her with?
rain destroys everything,
even her happiness.

why can't sunshine come and save her?
God... why can't i be saved?

.... great

You Are A Relationship Doormat!

Surprise, you ruin relationships. Bet you didn't see that one coming :-) While you're a nice, understanding, and caring girlfriend - you don't put your needs first. And deep down, it's probably because you worry about getting dumped. So speak up for yourself, weed out the losers sooner, and you'll find a guy that *deserves* you.

Do You Ruin Relationships With Men?

quiz time!

Your Depression Level: 68%

You seem to have moderate depression. Your symptoms are bad enough that they're effecting your everyday life. You would benefit greatly from professional help.

Are You Depressed?

You Are a Realist

You don't see the glass as half empty or half full. You see what's exactly in the glass. You never try to make a bad situation seem better than it is... But you also never sabotage any good things you have going on. You are brutally honest in your assessments of situations - and this always seems to help you cope.

Are You An Optimist or Pessimist?

You Mostly Have Your Emotions in Check

Sometimes your emotions get out of control, but you usually are a pretty stable person. You can find a lot to be happy about, as long as things are going your way. But if a few bad things happen to you, you tend to go in a bit of a downward spiral. Luckily, you usually come out of it okay and no worse for the wear.

Can You Keep Your Emotions in Check?

You Have Fairly Healthy Relationships

You try your best in relationships, and you do a pretty good job. You're as considerate, honest, and giving as you can be. There's always more that you can do, and sometimes you do leave people feeling a bit neglected. Great relationships don't happen overnight. As long as you keep making improvements, your relationships will get better!

Do You Have Healthy Relationships?

Your Independence Level: High

You are extremely self reliant and autonomous. You are definitely into doing your own thing. But you also wouldn't turn down help if you needed it. You follow your own path, but you don't do so blindly.

How Independent Are You?

Your Mind is 68% Cluttered

Your mind is quite cluttered. And like most clutter, it's a bunch of crap you don't need. Try writing down your worst problems and fears. And then put them out of your mind for a while.

How Cluttered is Your Mind?

You Are 64% Grown Up, 36% Kid

Congratulations, you are definitely quite emotionally mature. Although you have your moments of moodiness, you're usually stable and level headed.

How Emotionally Mature Are You?

You Are the Sense of Sound

You love to talk, but you also love to listen. You are simply a natural conversationalist. You can have a deep conversation that lasts for hours and come out of it feeling energized. You have a good ear for foreign languages and accents of all sorts. You can imitate people quite well. You also are a huge lover of music. You probably love music more than most people you know.

Which of the Five Senses Are You?

You Are a Skin Deep Sweetheart

You may be supermodel gorgeous or a plain Jane. It really doesn't matter, because you're confident and secure. You don't go out looking like a slob, but you are low maintenance. You have better things to worry about than whether your nails are the right shade!

Are You a Vain Girl?

Your Fragrance Profile

The best calming fragrance: jasmine The best fragrance for everyday wear: sandalwood The best fragrance to boost your sex appeal: rose The best fragrance for energy: peppermint

What's Your Fragrance Profile?

Men See You As: An Attainable Challenge

You know how to make your man crave more of you But you also know when to show some interest back You're good at keeping your guy guessing And over time, you'll let him know how you really feel

Do Men Find You a Challenge?

the miseries of typical singaporeans

I read my friend's blog and she was speaking about how our beautiful country has turned out. It's no longer kind, gracious, polite, decent, or in any way gentle and welcoming. We are soooooooo turned off by Singapore's general attitude nowadays. I'm not being biased or being righteous because i admit, i am one of these peculiar bunch of impolite people. I have been rude, angry, and frustrated with humble people myself, so i am angry with my own attitude. I am, of course, ashamed but i had reasons. Prolly everyone else has the same reasons too.

One thing is: everyone's treating everyone else horribly because everyone was treated with horrible manners. It's a disgusting, vicious cycle that just cannot seem to change for the better no matter how many behavioural classes you attend, or actually choose to tweak the problem. As much as i hate people treating me with disrespect that i don't deserve, it's just how it is. If you wanna confront the person, you will make an unnecessary scene and becomes a case no one will take notice of because it's not important.

Or maybe because we don't bother treating others with respect because the situation doesn't call for it? Since we're always wanting to get things done as fast as we can, without any hindrance or loss time. We are such fussy, impatient people. We just cannot take things slowly. Dignity always comes first. Success is the key thing to a Singaporean's life. Blah blah blah serious.

Seems to me i have achieved nothing blogging about this. I dunno what message i have sent across in this post, so y'all just have to forgive the waywardness of this post. LOL.

My semester is ending on Friday! Yay! But after two weeks of hard studying and dreadful exams, i am free to rest and FAST for a month. I think this year's gonna be fulfilling, i hope.

Take care!

bring him back to me....

I don't know what to do anymore... I am caught between leaving, and staying. I want to stay, but if he keeps up his horrible antics, leaving just gotten tempting and appealed to me as the best and wisest idea. But how can i survive without him? He's grounded me, pulled me from the clouds and slapped me to wake up. He taught me discipline, and stayed patient with me. But he's not the only one making sacrifices here. I've closed my eye one too many times and I'm getting tired. I don't want to be the fool in the end here, and if anything, it's his fault. Not mine. I'm the one who made the most sacrifices, the most number of compromises, and the one who hurt more times than he has.

We've been through so much and the worst part of a relationship hadn't even started. But he's began to show signs of something horrible to come, and i am so scared. I'm scared of feeling heartbreak again, of crying and screaming for help, and feeling so cold and lonely. I'm scared of having no one to love me when i love so many. I'm scared of being the only one who cried for something lost. I don't want to be alone anymore and he's not making me feel wanted... he's making me feel more lonelier than ever before and i hate it. I hate it so much i wanna cry to the heavens, hoping for this cold to end. But nothing, nothing ended.

I talked through it with him, it just goes out the other ear. I knew he wouldn't listen to me, nor compromise, but why do i bother so much? Why do i care so much about us when he don't every single damn time? I've poured my heart and soul to him, showed him my vulnerable side, my ugly side, everything... and i get nothing. I cried, but he don't see or feel, or care. I say i want him, he stays silent and doesn't respond. I gave him a thousand and one hints to stop treating me like trash, but he doesn't change, doesn't get it, and doesn't bother to want to get it.

Why do i keep bothering and care so much? I tell him the truth, he lies to me. I stay loyal to him....... I pray to God nothing happens behind my back. I don't want to be hurt by the man i've loved for 2 yrs. i can't bear it anymore. I want us to last... i really do want us to last, but he doesn't seem to be anywhere near interested. I tell him i love him with all my heart, he ends it with a "too" after a soft, barely audible "i love you". It's heartbreaking, and tiring, and scary. I don't want to lose him to some girl. I don't want to lose him to anyone. I don't want to push him away, or make him think i'm not a good person, or too difficult.

I don't want him to go anywhere from me. I want him to stay with me, but he's forcing himself away and i can't do anything to stop it. I feel so, so helpless.

I texted him, a very straightforward msg, and i ended up saying "i'm confused". He hasn't replied since. Probably busy messaging some girl from school. He seems to be enjoying himself with them than with me.

God, help me. Help me realise. I love him too much, i want him back. I want the real man i loved so much, from the beginning, to come back to me. I want him to hold me like he meant it. I want to see him smile just at the sight of me. I want him to talk without insulting me.

God, I want my boyfriend back..........

blehh

Sometimes troubles are there for more than one reason. And most of the time those reasons are just as hard to find out and realise than the problematic problems haunting and taunting our souls. Why are there problems in the first place? Why can't we have a single peaceful day without worries, without anger, without hatred, without pain, without tears, and without experience? I bet our lives would be so much more better, yet the most dullest, soulless moment of them all. I bet without troubles we wouldn't grow in the mind and soul. Without troubles/problems, we wouldn't know how to handle similar situations in a wiser manner. Without troubles/problems, we wouldn't be living our life right. Don't you think so?

I sometimes question myself: why i have so much troubles? Why can't i just face one at a time and be done with it at a snap of my finger? Why must i constantly face the same sickening problem when i've already solved it an hour ago? I guess that means that the problem isn't entirely solved and needs more attention than i thought it needs. I guess certain problems need TLC as well, huh? But i don't understand why we, girls, tend to see into detail and want to solve it as much as we want to? Compared to guys who just want to go "bleh," and leave it as it be and solve it by itself. That shows the man's stubborn and lazy, or don't wanna compromise even if the situation screams for him to. I might be wrong but I'm just saying, is all.

Anyways, right now i'm nearing my exams and i bet i'm gonna fail something and retake supp paper. i so can't afford another P on my transcript. haish...

Cya.