End here.

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forgiving

Regrets.

What is it about regrets that moves us, that overwhelms us, that empowers us, that denies our right to comfort ourselves and to tell ourselves that the decision(s) have been made and there's nothing you can do to take it back? So what if the consequences were too hard to handle, or that you were faced with such unfairness from life. 

Isn't that Life?

Isn't that just how it is?

Not everything has to go your way - despite what others boldly declare to the world. As much as some people say that they want to create their own path, create their own destiny for themselves.. you gotta wonder: Do you really think God would give us that much power over our lives? That everything, and i mean EVERYTHING is done by Free Will? Sure, we make mistakes; we have our stupid moments, but at every turn don't anyone notice the subtle control in the background? Don't anyone realize that certain choices you make has their consequences? The consequences are the control. 

There was a time where i regretted everything i did, and certain times i don't. That was when i got stupid, foolish, self-centered, and bitter. I hurt people; my family, my friends - people who cared about me unconditionally, never leaving my side despite the treatment i gave them. They love me despite the choices i made. Sure they will reminisce and certain grudges resurface, but there's always room for forgiveness. Always. Of course, you can't forgive someone right out of the bat, or a snap of a finger. No, but it's not impossible or illogical. Given time, forgiveness will grow on us and you will one day forget and forgive. 

So, i have not regretted the choices i made. Things happen and i have to accept the consequences given to me. If He wishes to punish me, i will gladly accept it, live through it and learn from the mistakes. I will understand why it happened and i will know that i will not repeat the same mistake ever again. I grow stronger this way, and i've never looked back.

So, i forgive u.

notice

At the last minute my family decides to plan a family vacay (without my father, tho he was the one who planned this). So here i am, in Siloso Beach Resort, Sentosa, enjoying what little view we got - not that we don't have much of a view. So-so i guess. I can see the beach outside the window, and lots of people walking past by. I was expecting a huge crowd down below, but i guess not. Prolly coz of the moody rainfall.

It's been 5 days since that evening when you texted me. As much as it was a shock to me, i guess it was bound to happen - given our rocky situation when March began. Since the first day, i realised we went downhill, fight after fight. I know the pain that you're going through but it's too late now, things have changed and i dont think i can go back to how i was before without remembering the bitter words you said to me - out of anger or not. It was unacceptable and i cannot comprehend how little you cared about me when you said all those things. Even if it was out of anger, it came from you. You were conscious enough to say those things, and it took you 3-4 days just to realise how wrong you were.

It may have been 3-4 days, but within those days i have gotten numb, devoid of emotion i had for you. I do not hate you, but the love i used to have has set sail. It's gone now, and to get it back will prove too difficult - if there was a chance of being back together. It may seem too much to ask but please take care of yourself. I know you can. 

It's best that we're out of each other's lives. Maybe with this both of us can breathe easy.

Thank you for everything.

seeing stars

I looked out my window tonight. The stars were beautiful. They were sparkling like diamonds. I saw the Orion's Belt too.

Sigh..

I wanna stay numb. I dont wanna feel anything. Why am i feeling like everything is caving in on me? Why did it hurt when i saw those stars out tonight?

bitter end

"We're through. It's over."