The truth

I can't think properly now... Not for a single minute. Nothing's registering in my mind, except the fact that he's leaving. He's leaving for work and i can't do a single thing. I can't say what i can to stop him. I can't say what i want to make him hold me and never let me go. I can't say... whatever it is i wanted to say ever since he broke the news to me. Other than the tears, the real, physical experience of heartache, i can only utter these words...

"Dont go,"

All i can say is "dont go, dont go,". I can't cry enough to make him get the hint, to understand that i'm only asking one small favour: and that is to hold me when it is time to go. And what's his answer?

"I can't."

It's hard enough that he's going and now he's adding more oil to the fire. And he still keeps on saying no, no, no like as if he's long decided and that it's impossible its almost close to suicidal. I dont understand... Why not? Just because his parents will be around us, he doesn't want to hug me. Why not? I'm sure they'd understand right? Right? I do hope so... I really do because i won't be seeing him for another 5 months. Then the next time he comes back, he's going to be staying for a month, then goes back for another 5 months. I bet he won't wanna go out of his house during that one month's rest. I bet...

I really don't know what else to do now... Everytime i hear myself saying in my head, "don't go," i can hear myself crying but i couldn't see me. I hear my voice, i hear my cries, but i couldn't see... I don't know... I told him, on the phone half an hour ago the very thing i imagined and what does he do? He changes the subject about his little sister, which has no relation to my problem whatsoever. And he can still ask "where got change subject?" Why the hell is he avoiding the obvious? Why in heaven's name is he being that proud man i disliked? I hate proud men, thinking that pride is everything and being a little too soft makes your reputation turn to dust. Such prejudice. Pfft!

Anyways... I wanted to talk to someone but now that i've typed it in here, there's no taking back what i just said. Only one person knows and i know you'd be reading and you'll know its you... =) I'm glad i told you. I'm not ready to tell my other gurlfrenz yet, but i'm glad i told one friend. I really need some support right now. Some good advice to how i'm going to handle the pain. My parents knows what's going on but i'm not going to confide with them just yet. I'll definitely break down and cry a river even before i could tell them what was wrong with me. Especially if it was to my mother. She's such a person to me that at the sight of her, when i'm in an unstable state of mind, i see her eyes and i can crack in a second, be falling on my knees the next, and wail in pain on her thigh. It happened before and until now, i can cry the same way, feel the same pain, and say the same words.

What i'm trying to say is that... I'm trying my best to work things out with my head, and to also juggle with school and think clearly so as to avoid breaking down and cry blood instead of salty tears. I support him, his choices, his soul, his principles. But this one thing, one simple favour i ask of him, and he says no. I wanted to ask him, if he loved me so... he'd hug me, right? I couldn't ask him... because i wasn't prepared enough, not strong enough to hear his response. I didn't want to cry during the phone conversation because i told myself to be strong. But everytime he keeps saying no, my heart cracks piece by piece. And it's not a little piece, it's like a whole chunk of it. And i can even hear it cracking. Oh dont laugh, i'm being serious! I'm not being too emotional, i'm being honest. Undoubtedly honest. I heard every aching heartbeat my heart made and i swear, i heard it cracking. I kept my sobs until the second we hung up and when we did, while i sat on the sofa and stared into nothing, tears just formed and they just fell. I didn't even bother to stop them because there's no point. I don't want to lie to myself and pretend that i am tough because i'm not. Clearly... i'm not.

Gosh, forgive me for being this way. I really am sorry but i don't regret posting this. You guys, those blog-hopping or are my friends reading this, do forgive me k? I'll try not to pour pain into a post again. =)

Love,

Lana